by Miss Elliot
Dear J. R. R. Tolkien,
Tell me, please, how do you manage to keep six wiggly kids, ages four to fourteen, completely still in rapt attention as Bilbo Baggins does Things? I want to Know. We’re enjoying The Hobbit so much that I am feeling inclined to read The Lord of the Rings now. And I would, if school didn’t start on Monday.
Dear Miss Janke,
Thank you so much for the classes. I enjoyed them very much and learned a lot of things about life. You were a blessing to me. I hope your cat is nice. Our cat is mean, and she bites, if provoked. Enjoy all your lovely tea! Cheers!
Dear Hollywood Producers,
Dear Major and Minor League Baseball Players* **,
You might as well stop playing, because the only baseball team I ever watch is the Home-Run Holbrooks. The best pitcher in the world is my dad, and the best batters are my sisters and brother. And my mom. So, sorry about your luck.
*Excepting Jackie Robinson. I am actually muchly inspired by him, from reading Seven Men by Eric Metaxas. Just so you know.
**Restrictions apply. Offer valid until January 1, 2015.***
***The above was a joke. I’m not selling you anything.
Dear Jane Austen,
Thank you for Emma. You said that only you would like her, but that is nonsense. You created a lovable heroine, full of life. Thank you. And tell Cassandra I send her my love.
Dear Harold Schonberg,
Thanks for your book about composers – I am really extremely grateful. Sergei Rachmaninoff leapt off the page when I read your descriptions of him. But no thanks for the sometimes weird opinions that go along with the book. Sorry.
Dear Trans-Siberian Orchestra,
Am I supposed to be thinking about this song at the beginning of autumn? Awesomeness-sauce, guys. Beautiful.
Dear Fall (or Autumn, if you prefer),
I realize that you are Anne Elliot’s favorite season, and you are mine as well, I am pretty sure; but you cannot come yet. IT CANNOT BE SEPTEMBER IN THREE DAYS. WHAT. My life is leaving me…
What can I say? Thank you from my heart for deciding to give up your life to schooling us at home. You are the greatest woman I know, and I will love you always.